voices in my head

In the movie 'Being Charlie', Charlie says in the climax, "All I ever wanted was a way to kill the noise". And when Charlie from 'The perks of being a wallflower' said, "There is so much pain and I don't know how to not notice it". And when Lee Chandler from 'Manchester by the sea' said, "I can't beat it". And when Vincent from 'The road within' said, "What if I fuckin live?" Evening. Railway Station I am walking in between the platform bridge between the second and fourth platforms. My mind is going at the rate of hundred miles per hour. I can't slow it down. I need to lie down and close my eyes for a second and be at peace. But, the mosquitoes don't seem to make it any easier. I need to reach my room immediately and that is the only place I can just lay down at peace. Maybe pour all of this down to paper or something. Just dance. Just lie down, put my head under a pillow. There are still 2 hours r...

  “Why do you say these things, Connel? Why do you have to make everything so complicated? Why can’t you just let be for once? Why did you say that you thought I was gonna leave you once college reopens? You hurt me by saying things like that, you know?”  “Why do I always worry about how things are gonna end, you ask? Why, right? Chuckles . You know, from the very moment I meet a person, my mind starts constantly reminding me of what’s it gonna be like when they walk away. It’s not like I want to, but … I can’t beat it. I can’t beat the feeling. I’m not good at letting things go. So I don’t meet a lot of new people. I don’t have the emotional energy for that. I’m barely surviving out here.  So I guess I say all these things, all these things about us growing apart because maybe then I would be already prepared and adjusted to the reality so that it would hurt less when you actually leave. Does that make any sense?  And, Marianne, I’m sorry that I hurt you, you know t...

Some days, Some days, when my mother comes to wake me up in the morning, I feel like a stranger to her. I feel like a stranger to my father sitting opposite on the breakfast table. I go out and the world feels so strange. Like everyone's been here for a long time and I kinda just arrived, a newcomer.  I feel like a stranger when I'm sitting with my friends and they're all laughing about something. But the strange thing is no one else identifies this. I'm the only one acting weird that too on the inside. I feel like a stranger when I look at myself in the mirror. What am I seeing? Do I like what I see?  These days I feel like a stranger to my life. Like, if my life was supposed to be a movie, I wouldn't be the protagonist or something. Hell, I wouldn't even be the sidekick of the hero. I wouldn't be the dumb guy always walking along with the hero.  Imagine a crowd shot, and I would be one of'em. Blend in the crowd. Out of focus. A chameleon.  And I don...

Posting old snippets from notepad because no matter how bad it gets, I have to keep this ship afloat. Rather a hot day, though I sleep in for three hours more. I like days like this.  You're just sitting there and the room is ornamented golden by swift beams of sunlight. And you just feel alive thinking about the million things you wanna do or you could do. Augusts here are wet but hot. But there's always a decent amount of breeze that passes by occasionally. I stare into the fiber flower vase with fake flowers and fake leaves sitting there. It doesn't make any rustling sound. It doesn't even care to move with the occasional wind. It's like, "Hey, why do I have to be original in this fake world". I'm wearing nothing but boxers. Lying beside the window, supported by two pillows with green floral printed covers. Holding 'The Great Gatsby' paperback on one hand and a pencil, which has been with me since forever on the other hand. I remind myself o...

PS: This is not a movie review, this is me casually typing in the words that are coming out of my mouth starting now. And it's mainly about 'Manchester by the sea', but there's some other stuff too.  "I can't beat it" Two years back or something I saw a cut scene from 'Manchester by the sea', it was like an emotional scene involving Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams. It was so heartbreaking and since I kinda have a thing for sad movies I decided to watch it. So I search for the movie and see this poster :  I thought it was just like one of those sad romantic movies, you know like 'Blue Valentine', which I still haven't seen. So I dropped it. Two years passed, it came upon my shoulders to write a short write up about this same movie for a College thing. So I'm like okay, let's watch it anyway. 2 hours and 17 minutes later I am telling you, I haven't seen a movie which has portrayed the image and exact emotions of a broken m...

 You know how fire extinguishers work? Umm... If I remember my high school textbook correctly. They form this blanket or like a cloud of carbon dioxide around the region of fire,  thus limiting the oxygen supply required for the fire to survive. Okay, your point being? Yeah, so I feel like that. Every now and then, I don't know, is it, God? Is it me? Is it the people around me? Society? My subconscious? I don't know, someone creates this cloud, dark cloud of nothingness around me, and it's sucking the oxygen out of my life. I feel like an ember every morning, just trying to overcome the cloud, survive. And I'm not choking, it's like sucking all the words from inside me, making me more silent every day. Also, I don't want to lose them, so I lay it all down here, in papers, in stickies, whatever piece of paper I can pass my final flickers of fire on to. Sayonara. *** Images: Pinterest

I wake up and it's raining. It has been raining since yesterday midnight The night at which we told things we never told each other When we both stood at the edge of the cliff of our fires, Vulnerable. Alarm reminds me it's an hour past midnight and I should probably get some sleep. I say rain reminds me of you. You say I scare you sometimes by telling these kinda things. I sigh. Yes. My thoughts can be a little bit scary sometimes, Deep. You send me poems written on amber papers. Poems. Words. Is that what binds us? Poems about souls, men women holding cigarettes, Me, you, us. I say I wish I could hear you read 'em You want to know why I don't know. Silence. I admit I'm a hopeless romantic. You say that may make my life painful And you're drained of love and may break hearts. I remember Augustus Waters, I say It'd be a privilege. You say sometimes you don't like who you are. I say neither do I. Maybe it's not ...

CHARLIE Sam, you ever think that if people knew how crazy you really were, no one  would ever talk to you? SAM All the time. 1:35AM I am awake. Completely awake. I want to be awake. I switch off the fan at regular intervals so I'll sweat and lose any drop of sleep incoming. I'm not lying on my bed right now. I've always liked confined spaces. I'm lying beneath it. Yes. I'm sweating but that's okay. My notebook by my side. A million thoughts rushing through my mind. It's like you just put your earphones into your pocket and 5 minutes later you take it out and it's all tangled. And you wonder what the fuck? I was just sitting there. No. Wrong metaphor. What I'm trying to say is that all these thoughts are tangled and mixed up. So I'm unable to just pick out one thought from it and write about it. It's a total mess. 2 AM You know how sometimes when we listen to a song a...

Letting go. One thing I hate about myself I have trouble letting go. Places, people, books, movies. Wherever I go Whomever I meet Whatever I read Whatever I watch I do not want them to end I want the pursuit to go on I want the road to never end Because even if it was for a scant amount of time Once that our lives had met I feel like we’d shared a piece  Of ourselves with each other. Like we were destined to meet And fate brought us together. Some lines that were written precisely for you Characters that are relatable af Places that makes you feel like they’d been waiting, For you the whole time. Call me nostalgic Corny even I’d like to believe that I am original, veracious as one could get. And maybe in another world Not so pragmatic  We would continue our journey  Forever Forever and ever. Sayonara ***

Hey you, I have to say it, Quarantine sucks big time. You've left me under your coffee table. I think there are 5 other people currently lying above me. I'm having a hard time breathing. And I can't sleep. Thanks to all this dust. Anyways, there are some things I wanted to tell you but never did. Hey you, I know I'm not made of flesh and bones, like most of your friends. But I want you to know that I care for you. And I know you care about me too. And I know that you want us to be your little secret. so you keep me underneath your bed, corner of the coffee table, wherever you feel I'm safe. Hey you, I love it when you smell me. Your eyes become wider than usual. I love it when you spread your hands through me, Very carefully. Like you're going through a baby's hair. I love the look on your eyes, right after you'd told me everything about your day. Hey you, When it's past midnight and you're suffocated by your thoughts ...

Eighth-grade midterm open house Open houses, if there's one thing I hate about schools, that's Open houses. Yes, there are no boring classes but still not being a teacher's pet I'd rarely had the honor to hear good things about myself during my past encounters. But this time, It was different. I was able to score good grades in the exams and I hadn't participated in any mischievous activities in the past months. So I was more than happy to accompany my mother to meet the class teacher. The whole scenario went upside down when she saw the most talkative kid in the class walking towards her with a lively smile. I still remember that she started the conversation by calling out to God. To quote Thanooja Mam, the best class teacher I've ever had, "Oh my god, this Ajvad. Honestly, madam, I don't know what to do with your son. He is constantly talking in the class like he doesn't give a second's rest to his mouth or the teachers or the...

Dear stranger , In over the timeline of recent four years, my heart has become a blackhole stuffed with negative thoughts. And even though I try hard, there’s nothing I can do about it.  And like every other weird and misanthropic people, I too find relief from this pain by pouring my feelings in the form of words.  So I don’t blame you for distancing yourself from me. It was surely the logical thing to do. Even though there were some similarities between us, you were so full of life and it scared me. Overdosed by overthinking, I have come to the realisation that when you go on the quest of finding the meaning of life, you’re actually forgetting to live. By finishing this note, I promise myself to disconnect from all the thoughts and dreams where you appear to be the protagonist. After all, how can you run from what’s inside you? Sending you love and care, a hopeless romantic . *play melancholy song ***

Scene 1 You're traveling back from your home to college, even though you don't want to. You’re sitting on the window seat on the bus. You’re surrounded by about 40 strangers. No one knows a thing about you. You’re alone and not alone at the same time. A cool breeze along with a light rain shower is setting the mood. As usual, the earphones are plugged in deep. Your perfectly crafted playlist is playing. It’s been a rough few weeks. You have been trying really hard to keep up a clear mind. You’re now on the outskirts of the city. And it’s raining, like a light shower. Along comes a cool breeze. It’s slowly wetting your hands. But you don’t want to close the shutter. A few drops have fallen over your eyes. It’s almost midnight, but you don’t want to close your eyes. You want to brace and feel it. You want to feel it all. Every drop of it, every wave of cool air passing by you. You want this night to never end. And you realize there’s this happiness com...

It's raining. Where'd all the fireflies go? I remember back in the days when I'd see a firefly and after hours of struggle, I'd finally be able to trap it inside a little medicine bottle. They usually appeared during the power cuts at night and came in pairs. Where'd all the fireflies go? I miss the fireflies. I miss the old days. I miss the old me. At one point you're in your childhood and all you want is to grow up and get into college. You buy college notebooks even though you only need a small 100 page notebooks for your school. Because you can't bear the excitement and the waiting. You already want to feel like a grownup. And years pass by fast and without even knowing you're now in college.  But somehow you feel lost and empty. The years you thought that was going to be the most exciting in your whole life has turned out to be the most mundane. You feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities and suddenly everyone...

I think a lot about the moon lately. I want to shout to all the people in the world, “hey guys, aren’t you seeing this? I mean I’m walking and it follows me like a shadow. I’m running faster and somehow it’s able to catch up with me. I’m driving slowly and, Oh boy, it’s slower now. It’s there when the sun sets. It’s there even when the sun is rising. We think it’s so close to us, Because we can see it so clearly,  The cracks and the patches When in fact it’s 384400 kilometers away *(details, I fuckin’ love them) Oh, moon   You’re so underrated, Even than the second  man who walked over you. I wish I could be like you I wish everyone was like you You do your part in the universe  You do not complain  You glow happily ever after Oh, fun question  What do teens mean exactly when they say ”I love you to the moon and back” Oh oh, and fun fact Moon doesn't produce its own light It reflects light from the sun. ...