My mind and other blackholes.

             CHARLIE

Sam, you ever think that if people knew

how crazy you really were, no one 

would ever talk to you?




               SAM

All the time.

1:35AM

I am awake. Completely awake. I want to be awake. I switch off the fan at regular intervals so I'll sweat and lose any drop of sleep incoming.

I'm not lying on my bed right now.
I've always liked confined spaces.
I'm lying beneath it.
Yes. I'm sweating but that's okay.
My notebook by my side.
A million thoughts rushing through my mind.

It's like you just put your earphones into your pocket and 5 minutes later you take it out and it's all tangled.
And you wonder what the fuck? I was just sitting there.

No. Wrong metaphor.

What I'm trying to say is that all these thoughts are tangled and mixed up.
So I'm unable to just pick out one thought from it and write about it.
It's a total mess.

2 AM

You know how sometimes when we listen to a song after a long time and all these memories come streaming back to your head.
Maybe that person who was on your mind at the time.
The room which you danced inside along to it.
The pillow you stuffed your face into.
And somehow your mind recreates the exact feelings you've had the first time you listened to it.
I think that is beautiful.
Our mind works in the most mysterious ways. Some tiny memories that stay with us. While some, no matter how hard we try we can't seem to get rid of them.


2:30AM

You know that feeling when you meet this new person and you wonder where the hell they'd been this entire time.
Like there's been this small void in your life
And they'd exactly fit into it.
Connections, conversations, and shared interests.
The first day into talking and you're able to finish each other's sentences.
Boy, You'd been waiting for this your entire life.

2:45 AM

I am only good at beginnings.

I get complicated after that.
Like really complicated.
I try really hard to keep the boat steady that I end up flipping it upside down.
I yell your name out.
I can hear you calling me.
Waves come and drive us apart.
And you'd think this was what I wanted all along.
When all I craved for was a little more time and conversation.

Yuck, nothing makes sense tonight.

3 AM

I switched off the fan.
No sounds in the background except the roaring sound from my grand father's oxygen support machine.
Oh my god.
A few years from now I'm gonna be sitting in a cubicle doing god knows what.
Probably there's going to be a kid who's gonna look up to me in almost everything.
What do I tell him?
Never make your life someone else’s idea, maybe?


I wish we had epitaphs here.
I often wonder, what would have been mine?

Ajvad k.v  (Man, I always wished I had a last name)
(1999-20xx)

"Do not think too much"

Not bad. Isn't it?


4 AM

Sometimes I look at all these people mostly old ones and wonder if they really had any choice in the life they're living. They live every day the same. Same routine. Same people. Consecrating their whole lives for the people they love.
I wonder if they ever stopped running and thought about themselves for a moment.
I wonder if I would end up like that.
I don't want to.
But one thing I've learned with my minimal 20 years of life experience is that nothing works out the way you want them to.
Well, maybe a few things.


4:30 AM

Oh, it's raining now.
I like the rain.
I like the smell of it.
I like the feel of it.
Some nights you don't want to end, right?

I miss listening to AKON and playing GTA vice city.
I wish I'd been trapped in those days, like in that film "Groundhog Day", which is a beautiful film BTW.

Stop it.
Now.
Do not give into nostalgia.
Okay.

I'm gonna go lie down now.

Sayonara.

Images: Pinterest