Skip to main content

My mind and other blackholes. 






             CHARLIE



Sam, you ever think that if people knew



how crazy you really were, no one 

would ever talk to you?








               SAM



All the time.


1:35AM

I am awake. Completely awake. I want to be awake. I switch off the fan at regular intervals so I'll sweat and lose any drop of sleep incoming.

I'm not lying on my bed right now.
I've always liked confined spaces.
I'm lying beneath it.
Yes. I'm sweating but that's okay.
My notebook by my side.
A million thoughts rushing through my mind.

It's like you just put your earphones into your pocket and 5 minutes later you take it out and it's all tangled.
And you wonder what the fuck? I was just sitting there.

No. Wrong metaphor.

What I'm trying to say is that all these thoughts are tangled and mixed up.
So I'm unable to just pick out one thought from it and write about it.
It's a total mess.

 2 AM

You know how sometimes when we listen to a song after a long time and all these memories come streaming back to your head.
Maybe that person who was on your mind at the time.
The room which you danced inside along to it.
The pillow you stuffed your face into.
And somehow your mind recreates the exact feelings you've had the first time you listened to it.
I think that is beautiful.
Our mind works in the most mysterious ways. Some tiny memories that stay with us. While some, no matter how hard we try we can't seem to get rid of them.


2:30AM

You know that feeling when you meet this new person and you wonder where the hell they'd been this entire time.
Like there's been this small void in your life
And they'd exactly fit into it.
Connections, conversations, and shared interests.
The first day into talking and you're able to finish each other's sentences.
Boy, You'd been waiting for this your entire life.


2:45 AM

I am only good at beginnings.
I get complicated after that.
Like really complicated.
I try really hard to keep the boat steady that I end up flipping it upside down.
I yell your name out.
I can hear you calling me.
Waves come and drive us apart.
And you'd think this was what I wanted all along.
When all I craved for was a little more time and conversation.

Yuck, nothing makes sense tonight.

3 AM

I switched off the fan.
No sounds in the background except the roaring sound from my grand father's oxygen support machine.
Oh my god.
A few years from now I'm gonna be sitting in a cubicle doing god knows what.
Probably there's going to be a kid who's gonna look up to me in almost everything.
What do I tell him?
Never make your life someone else’s idea, maybe?


I wish we had epitaphs here.
I often wonder, what would have been mine?

Ajvad k.v  (Man, I always wished I had a last name)
(1999-20xx)

"Do not think too much"

Not bad. Isn't it?


4 AM

 Sometimes I look at all these people mostly old ones and wonder if they really had any choice in the life they're living. They live every day the same. Same routine. Same people. Consecrating their whole lives for the people they love.
I wonder if they ever stopped running and thought about themselves for a moment.
I wonder if I would end up like that.
I don't want to.
But one thing I've learned with my minimal 20 years of life experience is that nothing works out the way you want them to.
Well, maybe a few things.
4:30 AM

Oh, it's raining now.
I like the rain.
I like the smell of it.
I like the feel of it.
Some nights you don't want to end, right?

I miss listening to AKON and playing GTA vice city.
I wish I'd been trapped in those days, like in that film "Groundhog Day", which is a beautiful film BTW.

Stop it.
Now.
Do not give into nostalgia.
Okay.


I'm gonna go lie down now.



Sayonara.









Images: Pinterest




Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Dystopian times (unabridged)

I read '1984' by George Orwell a few years back. I could only read up to 70% of it for some reason. In the first chapter, the protagonist secretly writes a journal entry as a sort of protest, or a way of telling his story to future generations. Thankfully, we're not there yet, but I imagine sooner or later, we as a collective world will reach that level of dystopia. I can't help but wonder, 'Has the world always been like this, or I'm just noticing it? ' Maybe yes, but the amount of injustice and horror that has been happening around the world has definitely only increased with time. There is so much injustice, violence, and horror happening around the globe, and the fact that I was born in this godforsaken country. It's awful enough to be a citizen of this country, but being a Muslim in India is only worse. The only thing I can do is be grateful for the fact that I was born in the South.  And all of this leads to one being in a certain dilemma. Do I try...
Post a Comment
Read more

Who will win the Ballon D'Or 2018?

There are a lot of quality players out on the field with potential of acquiring the so called best player award in the world easily known as the “THE BALLON D’OR”. Since the year 2008 this mesmerising price has been shared among two, who are known to the world as  CRISTIANO RONALDO  and  LIONEL MESSI.  Both of them are so far presented with 5 of the awards equally throughout these years. To be honest no one else other than these two has not even came close into winning the award after 2008. But this year a number of different things have happened. Lots of underdogs have proved their worth and are told to be possible winners of this Glamorous award. As the World Cup is upon us on July, it will play a major role on declaring the Ballon D’Or winner this year. With the help of various experts and from the form they are in, we have reduced a 23 possible nominees list: (not in chromatic order)           1.  Li...
Post a Comment
Read more

The unbearable weight of consciousness.

I’ve always been pretty conscious about myself. I am not sure if that’s a good thing or not. A bit of both, I could say. Being fully aware of myself has always helped me to know what I want in certain situations, with people, etc. I know what sort of person I want to be, in general. I’m 100% certain about the vibe I want to give out to people, and I am sure that for the most part, I’ve succeeded in doing the same. But still, being super conscious most of the time has not helped me figure out what I want to do with life. This has been my life’s biggest dilemma. I used to be ambitious growing up, I guess up until end of the college. Maybe corporate did it, perhaps I did this to myself. I am the most unambitious man I know right now. Does that scare me, I don’t know. I see people around me hustling, switching techs, and companies, climbing up the ladder, making huge life decisions, and moving out of countries. I feel nothing. There is nothing I want to be.  Sometimes I feel like I pea...
Post a Comment
Read more