I’ve always been pretty conscious about myself. I am not sure if that’s a good thing or not. A bit of both, I could say. Being fully aware of myself has always helped me to know what I want in certain situations, with people, etc. I know what sort of person I want to be, in general. I’m 100% certain about the vibe I want to give out to people, and I am sure that for the most part, I’ve succeeded in doing the same. But still, being super conscious most of the time has not helped me figure out what I want to do with life. This has been my life’s biggest dilemma. I used to be ambitious growing up, I guess up until end of the college. Maybe corporate did it, perhaps I did this to myself. I am the most unambitious man I know right now. Does that scare me, I don’t know. I see people around me hustling, switching techs, and companies, climbing up the ladder, making huge life decisions, and moving out of countries. I feel nothing. There is nothing I want to be.
Sometimes I feel like I peaked too early. I’ve always been a decent student. Since, childhood, I’ve always tried to do 80% of what my parents wanted me to do. I always scored decent grades, got into good places, and even landed a decent job. I guess up until that phase, everything somehow worked out well. I stopped trying after that. I haven’t been able to figure out why. Did you know the words written on the tombstone of Charles Bukowski was, “Don't try”?
Back when I was in Bangalore, living a clockwork life. I used to wake up at 7, get on the company bus, head to work, and barely talk to anyone at work unless required. My shift ended at 5, and I’d reach home by 6. There was a 20-minute walk from the bus stop to my room. And near my room, there was this veg-restaurant ‘Sri Ganesh’. Every day, on my way back home from the bus stop, I would stop at the restaurant, and I would order one tea and one samosa. Exactly 10 minutes later, I’d order one more tea. This continued, for one year and 7 months.
There was nothing extraordinary, about their tea or samosa. Their tea was okay. The samosas are probably the worst samosas I’ve ever had. But this was the first restaurant I stumbled upon. So it sort of became a tradition for me. It became something for me to look forward to. 2 cups of chai and a samosa. Though there were probably better places there that made better samosas and served decent tea. But I never dared to try. I always thought this had something to do with a sense of belonging. There’s this lingering feeling that I would never feel like I belong somewhere since I left college. And till now It has been true, so I look for a sense of belonging in any place I can get. I knew I could go into Sri Ganesh at exactly 6.15 on any day, and the cashier would know that I wanted tea and not coffee, and one samosa. And exactly 10 minutes later I would come back to get the bill for another tea. It gave me comfort that I didn’t have to specifically tell the guy that I wanted tea, not coffee. He just knew. It made me feel belonged, in a city full of strangers. Aren’t we all trying to belong somewhere? I don’t know.
I left Bangalore 10 months back and moved to Kochi. On my first day, I found a tea shop that served decent tea, and Pathiri. Every day while going to work, I would stop there and have one tea and one pathiri. I associated this too with the sense of belonging. However, I‘m starting to wonder if there’s also one more reason for this. Something more than the comfort of a certainty. It's starting to hit me that what I suspected as a seek for comfort space, or certainty, could be, maybe in some sort of way, my way to run away from consciousness.
Maybe it wasn’t just about being a routine creature, I just didn’t want to think anymore. Changes meant thoughts. Thoughts meant spirals. Spirals meant voids. And nothing good comes out of it.
So I try to keep my days as same as possible. I stick to familiar roads, familiar restaurants, familiar floors, familiar buildings, familiar faces, familiar tea shops, and familiar grocery stores. Because uncertainty meant thoughts. Sometimes, whole days pass by without me becoming conscious. On some days, towards the end when I’m driving back from work I’ll realize, “Woah, all that happened”. And I’d have to rewind through events from the whole day just to confirm I didn’t do anything stupid. Sometimes, I have to pinch myself to confirm things are real. I’m here but not here. You may see me, but I’m hollow.
To be content, to be at peace. To be content, consciously. To be at peace, consciously. To let myself be, and not be afraid of mind wandering off to unwanted territories. To be or not to be.
Sayonara.
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