Letters I never sent.

In the movie 'Being Charlie', Charlie says in the climax, "All I ever wanted was a way to kill the noise".

And when Charlie from 'The perks of being a wallflower' said, "There is so much pain and I don't know how to not notice it".

And when Lee Chandler from 'Manchester by the sea' said, "I can't beat it".

And when Vincent from 'The road within' said, "What if I fuckin live?"

Evening.

Railway Station

I am walking in between the platform bridge between the second and fourth platforms. My mind is going at the rate of hundred miles per hour. I can't slow it down. I need to lie down and close my eyes for a second and be at peace. But, the mosquitoes don't seem to make it any easier. I need to reach my room immediately and that is the only place I can just lay down at peace. Maybe pour all of this down to paper or something. Just dance. Just lie down, put my head under a pillow. There are still 2 hours remaining for the train arrival. I'm not gonna lie, jumping from the platform bridge to the top of the train has crossed my mind. But it says 25K volt with a danger sign. Fried and baked is not the way I wanna die. 

Someone once asked me if I would ever take my own life, how would that be. And I replied, "I'd jump from a moving train into a lake or some water source. Because I've been always curious about how it would feel to be under the water because I don't know how to swim. So I guess if I'm gonna die anyway, why don't just have that feeling too. That said I would not forget to keep my things and Phone and stuff in my seat itself. 

Oh dark.

"Hello darkness, goodbye light

I'd kiss you close and hold you tight

if that's alright with you "

I've always loved this song. 

That said, The train has arrived. I've booked a sleeper ticket because as I said I need to lie down. 

The compartment seems rather empty. I'm alone at my section of the berth. I feel so hungry but I also so feel so hollow and empty inside so I just bought a pack of biscuits for dinner. 

An old guy came and said, it was his seat. I explained to him my ticket was confirmed and he was on the waiting list. Somehow he found a place to lie down. 2 guys came with tickets registered on the names of other people and were fined 600*2=1200Rs. I switched the light off with all of their permission. They're all asleep now. Wait, I'm not. My mind hasn't slowed down yet.

Day by day, my thoughts are eating me from the inside. More like a parasite, so day by day, I may look solid from the outside, but I'm getting more and more hollow on the inside. Soon enough I'm gonna be a hollow shell broke in the wrong parts. 

When Sylvia Plath said, "Sometimes, I feel like I'm not solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. All I want is blackness, blackness, and silence."

Yes, favorite part. I am thinking about all the wrong decisions I'd took to reach here. At this point of my life, a void. A rather large void. What bad deed did I do in my past life to be burdened with this mind, I ask myself. 

As I walk through my home city, a stranger on a scooter stops beside me and asks, "Need a lift?". I politely neglect him to find him waiting for me in a narrow dark street on the next corner. He starts following me. He passes me occasionally, and I would find him in the next turn in some dark narrow valley. 

I am not scared. I am walking at the same pace. I rather wanna ask him, "hey can you hit me in the head, so maybe this will all stop". He stops by again, "Want a lift?". How do I tell this guy, I am so fucked up right now, even you don't want to be near my mind. I politely neglect him again and he drives away, losing all hope. 

I somehow reach my home. The cold shower helped a little bit. I am finally here. I mean I know things aren't gonna change even if I'm lying in my bed. But here, I find comfort in these four walls. I find comfort in the darkness that my curtains provide. I find comfort in the warmness my pillows provide. 

"I am home", I say to my little plant on the window. 

Only one task left to remain, I take out my journal from under the bed. 

"Everything's gonna be alright".

...

Overthinking is a curse. Anxiety is a curse. Not knowing the things that matter is a curse. Loneliness is an occasional curse. Not being able to connect with a lot of people is another curse. Finding yourself left alone even in a crowd is a curse. Finding it hard to breathe and feeling like the head is about to explode when in anxious situations is another curse. Not opening up is a curse. Not being able to let go is a curse. Caring too much is a curse. Not being able to cry is a curse. 

Where do sober people bury their pain?

As life goes by, you realize there aren't many things or people that you can relate to.

The only way of being at peace is by writing long letters. Letters you never sent. To a person, you never knew. 

Detachment is such a depressing movie.

Sayonara.