All the people I wonder about.

This monotonous life

I am so tired of pretending

I feel like I’ve pretending for so long

That I forgot what I was really like before

We were sitting under a banyan tree

And a friend of mine said,

“No one knows the real you”

And that is the truest thing

someone has told me all my life

And that’s all I ever wanted to be

A mystery

An enigma

I don’t want to be your answers

I am questions

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New Years

I have never celebrated New Year's in my life: 24 years and not even a single year. I don’t remember doing the countdown ever in my life. I never really saw the point. Also, the timing never came right. Arguably this might have been the most difficult year of my life to get through. It has definitely been the loneliest year. Nothing much really happened. I learned a lot of stuff, career-wise, and life-wise. Human interaction was at its lowest. I made one new friend and lost countless. But I’m sure the one I made is for life, so that’s good. I really had to throw everything in and give my absolute best to get through this year. There were days when I felt like giving everything up and going back home. I still do, some days, most days. I don’t even know what’s keeping me here. Though sometimes I like the uncertainty I have with my life. I have never been a planner. Nothing in my life has been planned. School, college, career, friends, love, heartbreaks. Everything just happened a

Letters to Rahel - Episodes of grief

Dear Rahel, I feel like we're heading towards the end of this story. No matter how forward I look into the future, I can't see myself at peace. I am convinced that this is how it is going to go down. This feeling, this constant feeling of helplessness and chronic dissatisfaction. It is here to stay. This is how it is going to be forever. I don't feel like a real person anymore. I feel like the memory of a person, and memory's fading. Soon it'll be like I never existed. I have been having these episodes of grief lately. Why do I call it episodes of grief you may ask. I have been having days where it feels like someone had died. It's somebody's funeral. And I sit through the day trying to figure out who had died. It sure feels like someone I knew very closely had died. Maybe I'm dying. I feel like I've been forgetting myself lately. Like you know how you used to be friends with someone back in school. You used to tell each other everything. And now y

Mother, please come get me

I keep having this recurring nightmare, cutting myself open, with the sharpest blade. My face and my arms. It is not a pretty sight, but simultaneously so calm and soothing. I keep thinking about it throughout the day, trying to find out the meaning behind it. The visual keeps popping up in my head, how blood, red as wine kept flowing out of the slits smoothly. I tried to taste it in my dream but woke up just before I brought it to my tongue. I feel like buying a typewriter, and typing out hundreds of words, and then burning those papers. I want to write about grief. About loneliness, and the dark dampness of winter. About mothers, and fathers. About crippling anxiety, and the labyrinth of adulthood. About how your world becomes less and less wide as you grow up. About the helplessness of it all. About the hopelessness of it all. About the pointlessness of it all. I have become emotionally numb like never before. It feels like a dam of tears spurring and stuck inside of me. Unattended

voices in my head

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