“Why do you say these things, Connel? Why do you have to make everything so complicated? Why can’t you just let be for once? Why did you say that you thought I was gonna leave you once college reopens? You hurt me by saying things like that, you know?”
“Why do I always worry about how things are gonna end, you ask? Why, right? Chuckles.
You know, from the very moment I meet a person, my mind starts constantly reminding me of what’s it gonna be like when they walk away. It’s not like I want to, but …
I can’t beat it. I can’t beat the feeling. I’m not good at letting things go. So I don’t meet a lot of new people. I don’t have the emotional energy for that. I’m barely surviving out here.
So I guess I say all these things, all these things about us growing apart because maybe then I would be already prepared and adjusted to the reality so that it would hurt less when you actually leave. Does that make any sense?
And, Marianne, I’m sorry that I hurt you, you know that’s the last thing I would want.”
“Can you promise me that this will never happen again?”
“Hmm. I guess I just have to accept the fact that this is how the rest of my life is gonna be like. Trying hard not to care about anything too much because I’m afraid I’m gonna have to let them go one day.
I mean I know that that’s just life and that people are not permanent and they may come and go and you only have yourself at the end.
And the thing is, when I fall in love, I fall in love hard. And for the most part of the time, I’m gonna be sad worrying about losing them. But, there’s going to be happiness too, and little cans of memories worth preserving. I think it makes these constant sadness and heartbreaks worth suffering.”
“Just know this, Connel Waldron, you are the most relatable person I’ve met my whole life and I’ve met a lot of people. And I’ll leave when I feel like it, okay? You haven’t got a say in it.”
“I got no idea how I push through these days. It’s getting worse every day. And one of these days it’s gonna reach a threshold and then continue like that for the rest. I got no idea what to look forward to now.
Life has been more like suffering for the last few years. Occasional glimpses of happiness in between long sad and mundane weeks. It used to be the other way around. And even there was a reason for being sad back then. Now, just the mere existence of thyself makes me sad.
To be honest, I don’t think people have knowingly hurt me that much. I tend to push people away before they have the chance, and in that process, I think I have hurt myself pretty badly, countless times. It's a ceaseless journey. One that only ends with my death.”
“What do you want me to say? That everything’s gonna be alright? Because it’s not. At least not for people like us”
“Just promise me that you’ll tell me if you ever stop loving me”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
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