Drifting through memories, confessions to a two-year-old.

Eighth-grade
midterm open house

Open houses, if there's one thing I hate about schools, that's Open houses.
Yes, there are no boring classes but still not being a teacher's pet I'd rarely had the honor to hear good things about myself during my past encounters.

But this time, It was different. I was able to score good grades in the exams and I hadn't participated in any mischievous activities in the past months.
So I was more than happy to accompany my mother to meet the class teacher.

The whole scenario went upside down when she saw the most talkative kid in the class walking towards her with a lively smile.
I still remember that she started the conversation by calling out to God.
To quote Thanooja Mam, the best class teacher I've ever had,
"Oh my god, this Ajvad. Honestly, madam, I don't know what to do with your son. He is constantly talking in the class like he doesn't give a second's rest to his mouth or the teachers or the students sitting beside him. He somehow manages to score decent grades but that's not the case with others."

That's when I notice my friend who's also getting roasted beside me. I very much wanted to say a 'hi' but I was sure it'll start another conversation involving me, him, the teacher and our mothers which neither him nor I clearly didn't want.

So I give a guilty smile to both the ladies who had been staring at me for the past 30 seconds.

We get back home.
If I remember correctly my brothers compared me to radio except you can actually turn the radio off.
But as far I was concerned, you could do anything in school as far as you scored decent grades.
So I happily go to my room and play FIFA.

How innocent and happy life was back then.

***

Present-day
10:30 AM
Home

It's been two weeks now.
Now I've come to the conclusion that cough and running nose along with flu are the worst diseases in this universe. It is only when we get caught up with these three, we'll come to realize how good life was before.

So here I am, breathing in steam four times a day, trying to get healthy as soon as possible, so I can return to my ordinary life.

This moment, this exact moment is when the question is asked.
The questionnaire was none other than my two-year-old nephew.
The kid's just sitting there opposite to me, carefully trying to remove tires from his toy truck.

So he asks without even looking up, cautiously removing the rubber sole from the tires.

"Aju, why don't you smile?"

Wait, what?

I'm awestruck for the moment.
Now I feel like he had asked me a question regarding my virginity in front of the whole family.

No kid, you can't do that.
Your favorite things are JCBs and trucks and every day is Sunday for you and every hour is 5:45.
You're not supposed to ask truth-revealing, dumbstruck, down-to-earth, honest questions like these.
You can't push me into the void of thoughts making me think about all the decisions I'd taken in the past five years and just continue removing toy truck tires.

Now I can't help but wonder,
Is there more to this question?

Why don't you smile ever?
Why don't you laugh at simple jokes made by people around you?
Why do you try to hide when you see your relatives or someone from your past?
Why do you feel all alone when you're in a crowd and why do you feel the most alive when you're alone in your room?
Why don't you talk more?
Why?
Are you still shy?
It's inferiority complex, isn't it?

So many thoughts rush past your head,
One of them takes you back a year.

2018
Home

Similar scenario.
I hadn't really gotten out of the room since I'd got back from college. So my mother is actively complaining about that and how I don't talk to her about stuff happening at college and whatnots. Like how much I've changed.

That's when the Aunty who comes to help out your mother says, "Yes, Aju doesn't smile at me like he used to before, like when we meet on the streets."

I remember saying some dumb excuses and grabbing essential snacks and sneaking back into my room.

**

So, it's not the kid.

I've been asking similar questions to myself for the past five years.

Why don't you ever come out of your room?
Why don't you go to that marriage?
Why don't you go to visit your relatives' house?
Why don't you go to that meeting?

Oh my god, so many why's a 20 year old can handle.

*awkward silence.

"Aju, why don't you smile?"

I don't know.
I wish I could.
Believe me, I want to.
Like you have no idea how I wanted to go that friends gathering like a normal person.
Like how much I wanted to talk to that person?
How much I want to go over to relatives' house and spent time like the old days.

There's this interesting quote that I came across in Pinterest.

"How do one run from what's inside his head?"

Some days, you wake up and you know that this day is going to be splendid. You can't help smiling at every person you meet. You talk a lot. Well, at least more than you usually do. You feel very dynamic. You do things that scare you. You don't want the day to end. These are the days you don't want to sleep because you know days like these don't come often.

You wake up the very next day and you feel absolutely mundane. You know this day is going to suck no matter what you do. You want this day to be over before you know it. You don't want to meet any people or answer their inane questions. So you confine yourselves to your room whenever you get the chance.
But even then, you try hard to put on a faint smile at everyone or at least acknowledge them by calling them out and saying a hi.

But some moments you can't help it.
You find yourselves walking towards the deep end.
Before even you know it, you're diving into the pool of your own thoughts.
You drown yourselves until you run out of breath.
After all, you were floating just to feel alive.
You get so concentrated on yourself because you have to keep yourselves from falling apart.
Before you fall into pieces that it can't be fixed together anymore.

So yes, sometimes you fail with people.

But then also, here's the thing.

It's a harsh world.

Remember the old man who accidentally stepped on you on the bus and didn't even apologize.
The guy who cut you in line in the ATM.
The person who bumped you in the street and didn't even care to turn back.
The person who kept the glass back on the water cooler when you were literally standing there and could've just handed it to you.
That kid in your class who doesn't care about anybody and minds his own business.
That professor who's just angry at everyone the whole time.
That waiter at the restaurant was a little bit late to take your order.
That person who smiles at you every day but didn't even care to mind you today.

Each and every one of them is going through some stuff. Personal, family matters, educational stuff, health issues, you don't know what?
You can never know what's going on inside a person's head. And they are trying very hard to keep their shit together.

So be kind to them.

Always.

Sending you love and kindness, today and every day.

Sayonara.

***

Images: Pinterest, gify