Mother, please come get me

I keep having this recurring nightmare, cutting myself open, with the sharpest blade. My face and my arms. It is not a pretty sight, but simultaneously so calm and soothing. I keep thinking about it throughout the day, trying to find out the meaning behind it. The visual keeps popping up in my head, how blood, red as wine kept flowing out of the slits smoothly. I tried to taste it in my dream but woke up just before I brought it to my tongue.

I feel like buying a typewriter, and typing out hundreds of words, and then burning those papers. I want to write about grief. About loneliness, and the dark dampness of winter. About mothers, and fathers. About crippling anxiety, and the labyrinth of adulthood. About how your world becomes less and less wide as you grow up. About the helplessness of it all. About the hopelessness of it all. About the pointlessness of it all. 

I have become emotionally numb like never before. It feels like a dam of tears spurring and stuck inside of me. Unattended tears from the past 5,6 years. Years of grief. I feel like I just need to sit and cry through an entire day. Maybe that would heal everything that’s wrong with me, I hope. This aching has become severe throughout the years. I do not know how to suppress it. 

I feel like a widow at this point. There’s always this gloominess, it feels like the air is so thick. My head feels always heavy with all the thoughts. I haven’t felt peace in a really long time.

Before I leave for Bangalore, my mother reminds me to call her often. She asks me to call every day. She tells me how lonely she has been feeling since my brother left for overseas. She tells me about silent, gloomy evenings. She seeks refuge in god’s hands. She believes only god can help us in this world. From loneliness. From the hell of it all. 

I want to tell her about my loneliness. I want to tell her about how scared I am that I’ll never get out of it (the loneliness). I want to tell her about how I have not been able to cry for the past couple of years. I want to fall into her shoulders and cry myself out badly. Tears from the past 6 years. And I don’t want to let go. One might think since it has been ( the loneliness) going on for so long, I might’ve become comfortable with it. I think I’ve become more and more terrified of it (the loneliness). The fact I might have to live out my entire life like this. 

Maybe I should turn to God. 

I have been thinking a lot about God and the afterlife lately. It is kinda bad that I only resorted to him after trying out every possible way to get ahold of my life. At this point, I am convinced that this life as I know it, I’ve failed at it, and I will never figure it out. So I thought, might as well as I am in this mess, I should try to get myself a good afterlife. This makes me want to believe in an afterlife and everything. Compared to the suffering I have been going through to get through a day, I feel like Religion is easy. At least I will have something to hold on to. Maybe I should turn to god. 

Mother, please come get me.

Sayonara.