New Years

 

I have never celebrated New Year's in my life: 24 years and not even a single year. I don’t remember doing the countdown ever in my life. I never really saw the point. Also, the timing never came right. 

Arguably this might have been the most difficult year of my life to get through. It has definitely been the loneliest year. Nothing much really happened. I learned a lot of stuff, career-wise, and life-wise. Human interaction was at its lowest. I made one new friend and lost countless. But I’m sure the one I made is for life, so that’s good. I really had to throw everything in and give my absolute best to get through this year. There were days when I felt like giving everything up and going back home. I still do, some days, most days. I don’t even know what’s keeping me here. 

Though sometimes I like the uncertainty I have with my life. I have never been a planner. Nothing in my life has been planned. School, college, career, friends, love, heartbreaks. Everything just happened along the way, and I embraced it. Some decisions turned out good, some turned out pretty bad. That’s life. 

I always thought I could manage loneliness, but this year I found out there’s a limit to enjoying your own company. End of the day, we are human beings, we need to be loved. So there’s that revelation. I always was pretty excited about leaving college. I thought big things would happen, and I would meet a lot of people and make memories. This year taught me none of that is true. There were a lot of things I wanted to learn and do with my time this year. But with shattered mental health I was only able to barely get myself through most of the days. I’ve spent most of my free time this year walking and watching movies. I’ve read a few books, although not as much as I wanted to. Since I started this job, I’ve met all sorts of people. For some reason, it always made me sad. All these people have different lives. Different stories. I would think about their family, home, and childhood. What makes them happy? I would end up making myself sad in the process. Fuck Capitalism. 

I got my heart broken this year. I still wonder how I got through some nights. It’s been a journey. Not that much enlightening or mind-opening. In late September I fell in love again. Someone bought me cake, wrote me a handwritten letter, and gave me a green sweater on my birthday. Swept me right off the floor. The time allotted for us was limited. About four-six months. I very well knew if I got into it, I would be back at square one once it ended. But when life gives you something precious as love, you take it. Worth every heartbreak. You’ll get over it. Four months. Four months of parks, bookstores, libraries, coffees, cakes, yellow lights, flowers, poems, books, sweaters, and love. I am back at square one. 

Reminds me of a poem from ‘Masaan’ movie,

 

That’s life. Since I knew this was coming, I’ve been preparing myself for this. Allowing myself to grieve a few times every day since last month. So now that it has happened, it doesn’t feel that bad. I know I’ll get through this also. But when does this end? Is there an end to getting through things? Is that what now life has become? Getting through things one by one. Carefully trying not to get broken in the process. Is there a brief phase of peace lying somewhere waiting for me? 

I woke up today and had breakfast. I didn’t have anything to look forward to. Except for my papaya plant. I cut its entire head of few weeks back due to pest issue. Since then I’ve been watering it every day hoping it would regrow again. Luckily it has sprouted at some points. So that’s one thing I have to look forward to. I read some pages from this book. I watched this movie which I loved. I washed my clothes and had a decent shower. I made my bed. Is this enough? I want someone to tell me this is enough. I want someone to tell me it is okay to take things slow and move at my own pace. I mean I know it, but most of the time I’m so confused about the future. 

Last year New Year's, I tried to hike a mountain and hurt myself in the process. I watched a pretty sunset and slept myself in a bus, while the world screamed the countdown. I don’t know what I am going to do this year. Sit on my terrace and watch the moon probably. I am not one of the people who think a new year will magically turn everything around in life. How long will I keep living in power-saving mode? No idea. At least I am getting through every day, alive. For now priority is to keep myself alive and sane. I hope 2024 will be kinder. I hope a phase of peace is near. 

Sayonara