Letters to Rahel - Episodes of grief

Dear Rahel,

I feel like we're heading towards the end of this story. No matter how forward I look into the future, I can't see myself at peace. I am convinced that this is how it is going to go down. This feeling, this constant feeling of helplessness and chronic dissatisfaction. It is here to stay. This is how it is going to be forever. I don't feel like a real person anymore. I feel like the memory of a person, and memory's fading. Soon it'll be like I never existed.

I have been having these episodes of grief lately. Why do I call it episodes of grief you may ask. I have been having days where it feels like someone had died. It's somebody's funeral. And I sit through the day trying to figure out who had died. It sure feels like someone I knew very closely had died.

Maybe I'm dying.

I feel like I've been forgetting myself lately. Like you know how you used to be friends with someone back in school. You used to tell each other everything. And now you don't even talk, you don't even remember what their face looked like. That's how I feel, except for myself.

I can't remember the things that used to make me happy. The things I used to passionately talk about. The things that used to make me excited, or curious. How I laughed. I can't picture myself in the past sitting in peace and quiet. I only have pieces of memories with different people from different timelines. They all seem like a distant vision now. It's all fading away. I am fading away.

The worst thing is that these 'episodes' would happen during the most random times. I could be at work, already miserable, and this feeling would kick in. And it would feel like I am stuck in marshland. Everyone is moving at 2x speed and I'm in .5x. I'd already be mentally exhausted, by the people and noises around, but at the same time, this silence would start to occupy inside me. Like a thunderstorm slowly hitting a town.

Since moving here I've been going through different phases, in life to get through each day. There was a denial phase where I carefully navigated my mind away from any sort of thoughts. Then there was a poetry phase where I turned to words for getting through the day. There was a to-do list phase where I would list down every little task and would get through the day by crossing each of them. Then I had a crashlanding phase where I used to deliberately think of negative things and wreck my mental health pretty badly. Right now I am going through a phase that I like to call "Trying not to cry in public transport". It involves almost-breakdowns at random places like office toilets, stairs, restaurants, under halogen street lights, etc.

The point is, it's been more than 10 months and I am still fighting to get through every day. I don't think I'll ever figure out this life thing, Rahel. I don't think I will ever get good at this. I don't see myself doing this thing day in-day out for a lot of years. I've stopped looking so far into the future. There's nothing there.

Sayonara

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മധുരയും കൃഷ്ണനും കലാമും

മധുരം മധുരൈ. ഇത് എല്ലാ പ്രാവശ്യവും പോലെ ഒരു സാധാ യാത്ര ആയിരുന്നില്ല. ഒരുപാട് നല്ല അനുഭവങ്ങൾ തന്ന , ഒരു ലോ ബഡ്ജറ്റ് ട്രിപ്പ്‌ എന്ന് വേണേൽ പറയാം.കുട്ടിക്കാലം തൊട്ടേ ഉള്ളിലുള്ള ആഗ്രഹമാണ് ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക്ഒരു യാത്ര. എന്നാൽ അതിനിയും നീണ്ടു പോകുന്നു. പുസ്തകങ്ങൾ കൊണ്ട് നമ്മുക്ക് അറിവ് നേടാനാവുമായിരിക്കും, എന്നാൽ ചുറ്റിലും ഒന്ന് ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചു നോക്കി ഒരു നടത്തം നടന്നാൽ ഒരുപാട് കാഴ്ചകളായിരിക്കും നിങ്ങളെ കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നത്. അത് തന്നെ ആണ് ഈ ലോകത്തിലെ ഏറ്റവും നല്ല യൂണിവേഴ്സിറ്റി , അവിടെ കിട്ടുന്നത് വില കൊടുത്ത് വാങ്ങാൻ കഴിയില്ല എന്നൊരു വ്യത്യാസം മാത്രം. :"നിക്ക് നിക്ക് ..!!" :"എന്തേയ്!? :"കാര്യം പറയാതെ കാട് കയറല്ലെന്റെ ചങ്ങായി ....!" :"മറന്നു വെറുപ്പിക്കുന്നില്ല ...കാര്യത്തിലേക്ക് കടക്കാം ." വെറുപ്പിക്കുന്ന ക്ലാസ്സ്‌ ടൈമിൽ ഞാൻ ഫ്രണ്ട് അജ്വദിനോട് മധുരയ്ക്ക് കോളേജിന്റെ മുന്നിലെ കിളികൊല്ലൂർ റെയിൽവേ സ്റ്റേഷനിൽ നിന്ന് തന്നെ ഒരു പാസ്സന്ജർ ട്രെയിൻ ഉള്ള കാര്യം പറഞ്ഞു ....വീക്കെൻഡ് ആണ് വരുന്നെ ...വെറുതെ ഹോസ്റ്റലിൽ ചടചിരിക്കുന്നതിലും നല്ലത് എവിടേക്കെങ്...

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voices in my head

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