Running out of things to say

Day 140

I am scared that I will forget how happiness felt like. That I will never feel the same way again. Even if good times come, I will fail to recognize them. What if I fight them off mistaking them for something else?

Day 141

All I want is for things to go back to when they made sense.

Day 145

So this is how it’s going down, huh?

Day 149

We’re still here.

I thought I would’ve found a way to get out of this labyrinth by now. We’re still waiting. For someone or something to take away the pain of life. Days are passing by like hours. I don’t even notice when a week starts or ends. It's like clockwork. Some people call me a machine at work. They call me alien. Or a robot. I took leave the other day and this guy said he didn’t notice because I am too silent. They ask me do you work all the time to avoid talking to people. Why are you like this? How can someone go through an entire day without talking to anyone? This guy said, “I have never seen too much silence in one person”.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. Do they hate me because I don’t talk to them much? Or am I invisible to them? Makes me think, have I always been like this? Have I always been this silent? Like were my social skills always this bad? Is it social anxiety? Or is it that I just don’t want to talk?

I don’t know. I don’t want to think anymore. I’d rather die than go on another spiral. Oh, I told him, I bury myself in work to escape my own thoughts. I don’t trust what’s brewing in there. Nothing good ever comes out of there. I don’t want it to remind me of the silence waiting for me when I return home from work. The emptiness of feeling insignificant. Being a side character in my own life.

I put my WhatsApp about as ‘drowning’. Drowning in thoughts? Drowning in life? Barely surviving? I don’t know. My manager saw this and he offered help. He says I can talk to him about anything. Now even I don’t want to talk to myself. How do I talk to you? As I said, I don’t trust my feelings anymore. Can you imagine that?

All these emotions happening at split-second intervals. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, confusion, anger, regrets, guilt, and you don’t know if it’s real. And when you’re not sure if it’s real, how do you stop it? So you run away.

I’m tired man. I just want to lie down somewhere, without having to think for a few minutes. Just lie down there and acknowledge my existence. My feelings, and take care of myself. To fall in love with who I am again.

Hold on to the pieces.

Comments

La Casa De Papel

Directed by : Jesus Colmenar, Alex Rodrigo, Alejandro Bazzano, Miguel Ángel Vivas, Javier Quintas Language: Spanish Year: 2017 Genre: Crime drama, thriller, heist Created by: Álex Pina Release : Antenna 3 (2017) Netflix (2018-) Synopsis A criminal mastermind who goes by the name ”The Professor” has a plan to pull off the biggest heist in recorded history -- to print billions of euros in the royal mint of Spain. To help him carry out the ambitious plan, he recruits right people with certain abilities and who has nothing to lose. The group of thieves takes hostages to aid in their negotiations with the authorities, who strategize to come up with a way to capture The Professor. As more time elapses, the robbers prepare for a showdown with the police. My view 'La casa de papel' (paper house) is a Spanish heist thriller, in other words it could be described as an incredibly ...

Dystopian times (unabridged)

I read '1984' by George Orwell a few years back. I could only read up to 70% of it for some reason. In the first chapter, the protagonist secretly writes a journal entry as a sort of protest, or a way of telling his story to future generations. Thankfully, we're not there yet, but I imagine sooner or later, we as a collective world will reach that level of dystopia. I can't help but wonder, 'Has the world always been like this, or I'm just noticing it? ' Maybe yes, but the amount of injustice and horror that has been happening around the world has definitely only increased with time. There is so much injustice, violence, and horror happening around the globe, and the fact that I was born in this godforsaken country. It's awful enough to be a citizen of this country, but being a Muslim in India is only worse. The only thing I can do is be grateful for the fact that I was born in the South. And all of this leads to one being in a certain dilemma. Do I try...

Who will win the Ballon D'Or 2018?

There are a lot of quality players out on the field with potential of acquiring the so called best player award in the world easily known as the “THE BALLON D’OR”. Since the year 2008 this mesmerising price has been shared among two, who are known to the world as CRISTIANO RONALDO and LIONEL MESSI. Both of them are so far presented with 5 of the awards equally throughout these years. To be honest no one else other than these two has not even came close into winning the award after 2008. But this year a number of different things have happened. Lots of underdogs have proved their worth and are told to be possible winners of this Glamorous award. As the World Cup is upon us on July, it will play a major role on declaring the Ballon D’Or winner this year. With the help of various experts and from the form they are in, we have reduced a 23 possible nominees list: (not in chromatic order) 1. Li...

voices in my head

Search This Blog