Running out of things to say

Day 140

I am scared that I will forget how happiness felt like. That I will never feel the same way again. Even if good times come, I will fail to recognize them. What if I fight them off mistaking them for something else?

Day 141

All I want is for things to go back to when they made sense.

Day 145

So this is how it’s going down, huh?

Day 149

We’re still here.

I thought I would’ve found a way to get out of this labyrinth by now. We’re still waiting. For someone or something to take away the pain of life. Days are passing by like hours. I don’t even notice when a week starts or ends. It's like clockwork. Some people call me a machine at work. They call me alien. Or a robot. I took leave the other day and this guy said he didn’t notice because I am too silent. They ask me do you work all the time to avoid talking to people. Why are you like this? How can someone go through an entire day without talking to anyone? This guy said, “I have never seen too much silence in one person”.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. Do they hate me because I don’t talk to them much? Or am I invisible to them? Makes me think, have I always been like this? Have I always been this silent? Like were my social skills always this bad? Is it social anxiety? Or is it that I just don’t want to talk?

I don’t know. I don’t want to think anymore. I’d rather die than go on another spiral. Oh, I told him, I bury myself in work to escape my own thoughts. I don’t trust what’s brewing in there. Nothing good ever comes out of there. I don’t want it to remind me of the silence waiting for me when I return home from work. The emptiness of feeling insignificant. Being a side character in my own life.

I put my WhatsApp about as ‘drowning’. Drowning in thoughts? Drowning in life? Barely surviving? I don’t know. My manager saw this and he offered help. He says I can talk to him about anything. Now even I don’t want to talk to myself. How do I talk to you? As I said, I don’t trust my feelings anymore. Can you imagine that?

All these emotions happening at split-second intervals. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, confusion, anger, regrets, guilt, and you don’t know if it’s real. And when you’re not sure if it’s real, how do you stop it? So you run away.

I’m tired man. I just want to lie down somewhere, without having to think for a few minutes. Just lie down there and acknowledge my existence. My feelings, and take care of myself. To fall in love with who I am again.

Hold on to the pieces.

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