Running out of things to say

Day 140

I am scared that I will forget how happiness felt like. That I will never feel the same way again. Even if good times come, I will fail to recognize them. What if I fight them off mistaking them for something else?

Day 141

All I want is for things to go back to when they made sense.

Day 145

So this is how it’s going down, huh?

Day 149

We’re still here.

I thought I would’ve found a way to get out of this labyrinth by now. We’re still waiting. For someone or something to take away the pain of life. Days are passing by like hours. I don’t even notice when a week starts or ends. It's like clockwork. Some people call me a machine at work. They call me alien. Or a robot. I took leave the other day and this guy said he didn’t notice because I am too silent. They ask me do you work all the time to avoid talking to people. Why are you like this? How can someone go through an entire day without talking to anyone? This guy said, “I have never seen too much silence in one person”.

Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. Do they hate me because I don’t talk to them much? Or am I invisible to them? Makes me think, have I always been like this? Have I always been this silent? Like were my social skills always this bad? Is it social anxiety? Or is it that I just don’t want to talk?

I don’t know. I don’t want to think anymore. I’d rather die than go on another spiral. Oh, I told him, I bury myself in work to escape my own thoughts. I don’t trust what’s brewing in there. Nothing good ever comes out of there. I don’t want it to remind me of the silence waiting for me when I return home from work. The emptiness of feeling insignificant. Being a side character in my own life.

I put my WhatsApp about as ‘drowning’. Drowning in thoughts? Drowning in life? Barely surviving? I don’t know. My manager saw this and he offered help. He says I can talk to him about anything. Now even I don’t want to talk to myself. How do I talk to you? As I said, I don’t trust my feelings anymore. Can you imagine that?

All these emotions happening at split-second intervals. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, confusion, anger, regrets, guilt, and you don’t know if it’s real. And when you’re not sure if it’s real, how do you stop it? So you run away.

I’m tired man. I just want to lie down somewhere, without having to think for a few minutes. Just lie down there and acknowledge my existence. My feelings, and take care of myself. To fall in love with who I am again.

Hold on to the pieces.

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Excerpts from my dream journal.

So when I was making tea the other day, oh wait. I like tea. I drink an awful lot of tea every day. My mom thinks it's an addiction, and I might die of cancer one day. Though what I can't tell her is that, if it wasn't for Chai I would've taken my own life a long time ago. Chuckles. So I was making tea and it's nice and warm outside. You know the 4 'O clock light warmness. The sky slowly turning orange-red gradient. Soon it'll be Violet when looked through my bathroom window. It's a cool view, so I sometimes stand there for a while even after I'd done with the peeing. Especially if my neighbor is cooking, the smoke would be all upon the sky, and orange and violet beams gliding through it give a cool view. Where was I? So I was making tea, and all these snippets of memories come back running to me. And the funny thing was that these are memories of events that have never happened, you know. But it felt like events that I'd already experienced,...

The unbearable weight of consciousness.

I’ve always been pretty conscious about myself. I am not sure if that’s a good thing or not. A bit of both, I could say. Being fully aware of myself has always helped me to know what I want in certain situations, with people, etc. I know what sort of person I want to be, in general. I’m 100% certain about the vibe I want to give out to people, and I am sure that for the most part, I’ve succeeded in doing the same. But still, being super conscious most of the time has not helped me figure out what I want to do with life. This has been my life’s biggest dilemma. I used to be ambitious growing up, I guess up until end of the college. Maybe corporate did it, perhaps I did this to myself. I am the most unambitious man I know right now. Does that scare me, I don’t know. I see people around me hustling, switching techs, and companies, climbing up the ladder, making huge life decisions, and moving out of countries. I feel nothing. There is nothing I want to be. Sometimes I feel like I pea...

All I Ever Wanted Was A Way To Kill The Noise.

You know how fire extinguishers work? Umm... If I remember my high school textbook correctly. They form this blanket or like a cloud of carbon dioxide around the region of fire, thus limiting the oxygen supply required for the fire to survive. Okay, your point being? Yeah, so I feel like that. Every now and then, I don't know, is it, God? Is it me? Is it the people around me? Society? My subconscious? I don't know, someone creates this cloud, dark cloud of nothingness around me, and it's sucking the oxygen out of my life. I feel like an ember every morning, just trying to overcome the cloud, survive. And I'm not choking, it's like sucking all the words from inside me, making me more silent every day. Also, I don't want to lose them, so I lay it all down here, in papers, in stickies, whatever piece of paper I can pass my final flickers of fire on to. Sayonara. *** Images: Pinterest

voices in my head

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