Adulthood pilot episode

 

Zindagi Migzara

I read this phrase in one of Khalid Hossein's books, but I don't remember which one. I think it was 'Thousand Splendid Suns'. It means life goes on.

Towards the end of my college years, like most people I was getting sad about leaving the place, people, and memories. But I told myself that the idea was to not give in to nostalgia and to keep moving. Don't look back.

I only write when I'm sad or when I have anxiety attacks or something. I haven't written anything over here for the past few months because, to be honest, life has been pretty good the past few months. I would be happy to say that my life peaked from October 2021 to July 2022.

3 months have passed by since college, I was sitting at home waiting for the call from the IT company, and out of nowhere, I got this core job at a good company and I was posted at the outskirts of this city. 

I have always wished to move into a city where no one knew me and start fresh. Like just throw myself out there and explore every little thing.

So here I am sitting on the rooftop of a building, leaning onto the water tank. In every direction I look, there are huge apartment complexes and malls, and lights. Occasionally flights and trains pass by through their respective pathways. It's peaceful though, except for the sound of flights, of course. 

I feel like I'm in a movie or something. Sad movie though. 

It was never going to be easy, I know that. It's a rollercoaster of emotions. There are moments when you look around and think, "Oh I should be grateful for myself ". There are moments when I sigh and think, ' What am I doing here man?". I look at my senior people at the company and think, " Is this what I'm going to become? ". "Hi, my name is ...., I am ... manager, I look over ......things, I have been working here for 15 years. Performance performance performance is my life mantra". 

The thing is I have a lot of questions regarding adulthood. And since I know no one here, I thought I would just go to the rooftop and pour it all out as words, the good old-fashioned way. 

Oh, there goes a flight.

Question number one is of course, "Does it get better?". Or do we just get adjusted to it and forget to live? Am I getting swept into the cycle? I mean I'm a routine creature, but even for me, this is somewhat mundane. But actual work hasn't been started yet, so I have a little hope. I don't know. I'm just kinda living it, one day at a time. 

The second question is, how do you survive when you only have off days on national holidays or single-day casual/paid leaves? How does one adjust his/her mind to be okay with that? The senior people I understand a little bit like, they do their work, go home to their family, relax, repeat. 

Honestly, I'm scared man. I'm scared that I'm gonna spend the peak years of my life working a 9-5 job, six days a week. I'm scared I will become one of those people and get stuck in the cycle. 

But there's another dilemma, that is I'm allowed to have these thoughts because I'm privileged, right? I don't have to take care of my family, luckily. So I guess I should be grateful and like go on. These days I get caught between this ethical dilemma of privilege and 'living life to the fullest' a lot. I need answers. 

I think in the end it all comes to 'what do you want from life?'. And yes you guessed it right, I haven't figured that part out yet. I'm 23 and I don't know what I want out of my life. Have I always just gone with the flow, letting the universe make the decisions for me? Food for overthinking before sleep. 

Of course, it's all easy for the movie characters. What they don't tell you is how difficult it is to make new friends after college. So for now I'll have to do with myself. I mean I enjoy solitude, but there's a limit for everything right? So that's why I have found this new venture of taking my laptop to the top of the terrace, staring at the colorful city, and pouring down every feeling that comes. So far it's going well. 

I'm just waiting for an omen, or a signal, a glimpse of hope. A quiet whisper saying 'Everything's gonna be alright. So until I find something to do during the night, I guess I'm gonna be up here a lot.  I guess that's it for today's episode of Adulthood season 1.  I guess you can call this a pilot episode. Depending on my mental health we'll be releasing new episodes. 

Sayonara.